A dilemma of a young thought

Have you ever felt the pain, which didn’t want to leave, and when it seemed to have disappeared, it was coming back, double forced? Have you ever felt such great love, that you could barely live and love each other? Have you ever felt insensibility of your mother and father, who stopped perceiving you as a daughter and started to see you as a young woman, maybe calling her ‘a bitch’? Have you felt the pain?
Even these salty tears on my cheek won’t erase this pain from inside of me. The pain, the reason of my stigma, the pain which doesn’t allow me to act as I would, as I feel.
I was betrayed by everything I believed in, by everything I loved. I have nothing more. I was betrayed by the sun and stars, there’s nothing more on the horizon.
I was betrayed by love, I was kicked in my bottom and I heard ‘goodbye’!!!
I’ve lost my faith, how could I believe when I’ve lost the essence of faith???
It all started with one simple ‘no’. It was ‘no’ as many, many others. However, it decided. It became a reason of the death of faith, my faith, the faith which was my power to live, which made me believe at the daybreak…
I have nobody, everybody is so far away. I’m alone with a great pain of my lost faith. I have nothing to believe in. I have no reason to believe.
My raped thought. One word, one glance, one deed. Nothing more. It’s enough. The thought became an action and ended the existence of the soul. The raped thought rapes the soul. There remains only emptiness, nothing more.
The rape is worse than wounds, pain and a hundred of diseases accumulated in one. It bloody pains. You can’t stand it, you can’t bear it, you die!!!!
The death is always a solution but it’s not up to you, man, to decide about the life and death. Not you!!!
I’m not sure how long she will stand it. She won’t manage. Every day diminishes her chances. Unfortunately, he didn’t give her any chance, nor she did. They hurt each other. They don’t tolerate much. I ask: why? Only question marks…
I’m going away. I’m leaving my life behind. I’m leaving you far away. I couldn’t find a key which would fit you. I didn’t manage. I’ll face a new chance tomorrow.  I’ll be another woman tomorrow. I won’t be in the same place tommorow.
I wasn’t crying. I didn’t manage. How can I cry, with no more power and tears. I wasn’t crying. Long time ago I promised to myself not to cry, not to worry. That’s not the way!!! That’s not the way. How can I cry when you don’t deserve it?… How can I cry when there’s no reason for it?… How can I cry when you’re woken up by the sun every morning, when the moon peeps into your bed and lulls you to sleep…….
I’m sitting. I vegetate in this ruthless boredom of greyness of everyday. I vegetate, I’ve got nothing more. I live because I vegetate, I vegetate because I live… It’s called vegetatinglife.
There’s a wilted branch on my dear oak. The oak lost one of its parts… It died back. I look through my window everyday and I can see it. I feel so sorry for it… I’m so sad… The view is terryfying.
The death of the branch brought the autumn. It entered vigorously into our time. It let us clothe warmly. It made the melancholy drink the mood. I can’t stand it anymore. I can’t press ahead when everything around me sings a sad song, when everything around me is only a mortal story. I don’t agree. (!) I can’t live with it, I’m not able to! I don’t let the merciful death enter my consciousness. I dissapear because of the pain of existence.
The pain can’t be seen, it can’t be felt. It’s only inside of me. It’s not contagious. The pain which is spread inside of me, is a reason for my life nothingness.
I die with every passing day. I die!!! Nobody cares, nobody even notices. This bloody indifference!!!! It’s even worse than this fucking nosiness. (!)
The last autumn morning. Dewdrops instead of tears in the eyes. I can’t remember, I can’t feel…
Sunrise. She died.
….
The first look. It remained unnoticed. It made no impression. I can’t even remember how it was… I have a vague idea of the smell of mediocrity. That’s all. You were sifted without my attendance, my interest.
Few moments later you’ve appeared. You’ve appeared for me and inside of me. You’ve charmed me by your brown eyes… I became surrounded by the mistery. Then you’ve added your smile, most delightful in the universe. Oh, it’s soooo…, so lovely, like starry sky at night. You don’t know it, but these millions of stars are my night  muses, muses breathing with magic and scent of dreams…
The limited space swirled between you and me. I froze. I don’t know what you felt. I froze and I stopped dreaming.
Now I dream of a smile for me only. Only for me in love ecstasy…
I’m leaving, because how can I live with somebody, somebody who is not close to me…
Can you remember this day? The sky covered with clouds, raindrops running down your face… and salty tears. She died then. At least you’ve claimed that. In my opinion she was lost only. Yes, yes, she was only lost. Your lost, errant soul looks for the path, the path towards you.
You ask me for an exact date. What do you need it for? It won’t help you anyway. The most important for you is to understand the sense of your soul. I believe that you have not forgotten… No, you couldn’t, not you…
She lives deep inside of me. She doesn’t let me forget. She terrifies me with her presence. How is it possible that she is still there? I don’t understand… How is it possible that she’s survived, that she lives?
The easiest way is to disappear. To sin, to die, only not to stay here. Unfortunately, I can’t. I vegetate and I wait for better days. I vegetate and wait for a gift of fate. I can’t surrender, however I’m conscious of my defeat. It’s unavoidable. The consciousness is even worse. It kills, it tortures, it bothers…. It fastens you with invisible nails to an invisible cross. It’s where your private Way of the Cross begins…
Overcame by a feeling usually called ‘fear’, I cannot express myself. I am afraid of the truth, I am afraid of admitting it. I am afraid of confessing my love… I’m possessed by terrible fear, I can’t overcome it, I can’t live with it…
I’d love to be another person, another woman, but it won’t work. I can’t overcome this crazy possession. (!)
I’m closed in a prison, with no bars, no guardians. I delimit them myself. I used to think that I’m not like this, that I don’t need you, that I can face all the people alone. I can’t…
I miss you, my lover, who I was dreaming about in so many dreams. I miss you… I haven’t got to know you, but I know that my life without you has no sense… I can’t stand it any longer, how could I live without a part of me???
I’m lonely, but I should not feel like this, I don’t know what’s going on…?… Everything seems so strange to me…
Strangeness entered into my life, it ruins everything around me… It ruins my world, in which everything used to be so organized, so balanced, I was so used to this world and my perception. I can’t stand this strangeness, all alone…
I’ve sinned so long time ago, I’ve given no chance for love. Now I’m doing penance. I don’t agree with my life, with anything. Everything around me is screaming that I’ve changed, but I can’t accept it. I can’t and I don’t want to.
I can’t live with a completely different person. I am an alien in my own body. I’m not accustomed to such changes. (!). Do they afflict everybody? Probably yes, but maybe not in the same way?
It won’t be such easy. I won’t resign. You can’t count on it. You’ll wait, I’ll wait through, we’ll be together. I’ll survive, you also have to do this for me. We won’t surrender together.
You can’t simply stop looking me straight in the face…
When another world enters into mine, becomes a danger, and I hate dangers.
Anxiety. How could I have lost such a feeling? The feeling that used to be between us???
Next day she killed herself. It happened because she hadn’t manage, she had had no more power. She hadn’t been coping with herself, with her dreams, with her daily routine…
She died and he hadn’t even known about her existence. She used to love so much, so honestly and so shyly, unfortunately…
She died and he doesn’t even know that she’s no longer here. She’s no longer among us. She died, she died, I feel so sorry for her…
She’s gone because she was overwhelmed by her life, because she wasn’t living her own life only. Her desperate soul was overwhelmed by the greyness of life, it was so suppressed that it asked for death.
A young woman, aged barely 20, died. She died, because people and this whole world were completely strange to her. She didn’t stand a test of living, maybe she didn’t want to stand it… She wanted to choose. She chose the day of her death. She wanted to become the master of her life.
A young thought died yesterday. She was so… So young and beautiful. Why did she die? Did anyone help? No, no, I won’t believe it…. She couldn’t have had enemies…
Translated by Olga Gulla

 

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2 odpowiedzi na „A dilemma of a young thought

  1. bacardi gold pisze:

    Rapists should be prosecuted and jailed. They are crazy people and have no reason to be on the streets…

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